It’s been a hard year. I’ve spent most of this year being mad at God, feeling let down by God, avoiding God, feeling tested by God (and feeling set up to fail that test by God), feeling that God was being mean to me, hiding from God, feeling like I wasn’t good enough for God, feeling like God was mad at me (and that I deserved for Him to be mad at me), feeling distant from God (because I distanced myself!), and feeling like a disappointment to God-like I just didn’t cut it.  I’ve struggled with crippling fear and anxiety around making decisions- resulting in not eating for days and not sleeping for nights. I’ve felt this horrible loneliness that I had never experienced in the 26 previous years of my life. I’ve cried more than I can ever remember crying, and have sat in a season not described by joy, trust, or clinging to God.

It’s also been a year of freedom and grace.  It’s been a year of God chasing after me and pursuing me time and time again.  It’s been a year of God being gentle and patient (so very patient), and calling me to trust and believe Him.  It’s been a year of God’s mercy and Him wanting more for me than I wanted for myself. It’s been a year of learning what it feels like to be free in Jesus.  I had heard that phrase a trillion times, and it wasn’t until one month before I turned 27 that I felt that freedom that is talked about (while crying, walking on the beach in the cold rain).  It’s been a year of playing Hillsong’s “So Will I (100 Billion X)” on repeat so many times I’m surprised my spotify hasn’t shut down. Because, through all of the hard of this year, all of the avoiding God this year, Worship continued to anchor me and the lyrics of this song were able to take me to places spiritually that I for sure wasn’t getting to on my own.  This song sets my soul on fire and makes me cry tears of thankfulness- because even when the hard is hard and you can’t understand or see past it, His creation is around us to remind us of His bountiful and never-ending grace, and ya’ll, if rocks can cry out in silence- so can I.

If I flip through my current journal that started in January I can count 10x that Jesus told me to trust Him, 9x that Jesus told me He was there for me/there with me, 3x He told me that He has me, and 3x He told me to breathe.  I do not deserve His patience, but oh goodness, how grateful I am for it. Ya’ll- whether you’re in a season of crying out to God everyday, conversing with Him as your bestfriend, or having a really really tough time speaking to Him (as I have for many months)- He never leaves us. He never gives up on us. We will never be too much for Him or not enough for Him. He is waiting for us, always- and He’s not annoyed or frustrated, He’s not impatient or fed up with our hiding- He’s tenderly and lovingly waiting for us to come sit with Him.  He’ll be there whenever we show up- and He won’t be mad or mean or harsh- He’ll be unimaginably forgiving, understanding and compassionate. For me, I know I need to put aside my pride and my fears. I need to sit, and listen to what He has to say to me. There are places in my heart that still need healing from all that I have believed about God for the past year. Only He can provide my heart that healing; I just need to let Him.