If you read my last post, you read about the struggle of the last year of my life. You read some things that may seem shocking to say out loud about how I’ve been feeling about God, and you read some things that are pretty commonplace when talking about God (freedom and grace).  I want to take you guys a little deeper into the events surrounding all of this.

 

I was given a choice.  An opportunity presented itself that I had dreamed about for years.  And by “years” I don’t mean 2 or 3, I mean more than 10.  When something that you’ve dreamed about for more than 10 years becomes real it should be overwhelmingly exciting right?  Probably with a little fear/nervousness thrown in there?  My feelings were not those.  I was anxiety-ridden from the very start about whether or not to pursue this opportunity.  But that wasn’t enough for me to turn it down. You see, fear has always been a part of my story so it wasn’t unusual for me to feel anxiety around a decision. I know to be true that fear and anxiety are not God-given but nonetheless, since it wasn’t uncommon for me, those feelings were not enough for me to say “no” and walk away.  Instead, I cried out to God. I asked Him countless times what He wanted me to do.  I prayed and prayed for Him to “bless or block” this opportunity and to give me the ears to hear and the heart to be willing to accept a “no” from Him if that was what He wanted for me. He didn’t block it; I didn’t hear a “no.”  So, I continued with this opportunity. My anxiety increased past the point of the worst it had ever been. I talked to a counselor and found zero relief.  I talked to God and just begged for Him to take this away from me if He was wanting me to walk away from it.  I was paralyzed in making a decision, fear of not making the right one.

 

God asked me to surrender it to Him, but I felt like I had. By asking him to “bless or block” the opportunity, I felt I had given Him all control in making the decision.  I sure as heck didn’t want the responsibility of making the decision- it was making me physically ill.  (Later I would understand He wasn’t asking me to surrender the decision, but the situation itself; He had it all planned).

 

All of this anxiety and fear presenting itself in physical effects I’m sure is making a lot of you roll your eyes or scream at your screen saying “HELLO! God was blocking this!! Nothing from God should be making you feel this way!! You had your answer.”  And while I would agree with you, I cannot emphasize enough the anxiety and paralyzation I felt around making a decision; I did not feel any peace in either option.

 

I was scared to continue and be disobedient to God, I was scared to walk away and be disobedient to God. I was paralyzed by fear (cue “fear is a liar”-Zach Williams.) I wish this story ended with some miracle God-story of a skywriter or a billboard or something ridiculous telling me what to do, but that’s not how this one ends (it ends so much better because, God, duh….but that’s not until months after I walked away). I did finally walk away though- and this is when the turmoil of emotions set in with myself and God.

 

I felt like God had given me a choice and had abandoned me in the decision.  I felt that God had laid these two options before me with only one correct choice.  I felt guilty that I had chosen the wrong one. I was mad at God for what felt like Him testing me with providing an option that felt impossible to say “no” to without Him and then Him not coming through to tell me to say “no.”  I felt like He had let me down. I felt like a disappointment. I was mad, sad, embarrassed, and never felt more alone.

 

But ya’ll, God is so good.  He didn’t set me up to fail, He set me up to thrive!  If I hadn’t traveled down the road of “yes” I would have never found freedom from it. God sees the big picture while we only see a corner of it. What we see doesn’t make sense because it’s only part of the whole.  I don’t believe I’m near seeing the whole, but what I have seen can bring me to tears over God’s love for me.

 

I couldn’t continue with the running and hiding and loneliness, and I couldn’t break past it on my own.  I met with my mentor for inner healing prayer, and the freedom God brought me was something like never before.

 

The opportunity I had been dreaming about had been tied to my identity, my self-esteem, my ability to feel like I “fit in,” how smart I felt, and my overall worth!! The opportunity had, at some point in the past 26 years, become an idol in my life! Instead of standing on the firm footing of who God says I am and what He thinks about me, I was allowing an idol to knock me down, shut me down, and keep me small.  

 

Through inner healing prayer I broke free from the ties of the idol and the lies that came with it. The feeling of freedom didn’t come instantly but it did present itself undeniably. The first time I felt it, it was such an unfamiliar feeling I had to get alone because I just felt weird. I went for a walk and I started crying. For the first time in my life I understood what people meant by “freedom” and it is such an unexplainable feeling.

 

To think that if I hadn’t traveled down the road of “yes,” I would have never sought healing prayer for this area of my life and been brought freedom from something I didn’t even recognize I needed freedom from!  God’s plans are for bigger and better in our lives. Because of freedom, I’m finding my voice, I’m finding my confidence, and I’m finding my true-self.

 

Jesus, thank you for wanting more for me, thank you for seeking me and being patient with me, thank you for never giving up on me, never harming me, always protecting me, and always working good for me.  Thank you for forgiveness, and Jesus, thank you for freedom!